For paranoia's sake
Steve Kline |
Maybe it's just an extended practical joke. We did nothing when Bush took office in 2000 using super-secret stealth ninja tactics. It was the end of the roaring '90s and we were still hell-bent on entertainment above anything else. I think everyone had the same thought: "It's going to be so fun when Bush turns the White House into the frat from Animal House."
We imagined Bush surrounded by Icehouse, singing "American Pie" with alternate lyrics while Ashcroft sat on a motorcycle over a heap of beer cans he crushed with his head. Cheney was going to be passed out across some pizza boxes, a mirror kept under his nose "just in case." All quickly sit up as the Authority Figure walks in and the evil-guy music swells.
Random Authority Figure: You boys have embarrassed me for the last time! What you don't know is that you've been on Double Secret Impeachment ever since you started that United Nations brawl.
Vice President Dick Cheney: (Opens eyes halfway, grunts and slowly sits up.)
Authority: I want you out! You're kicked out of the White House immediately!
George W: (Furrows brow, looks confused) If that's with the wishes of America. I am wishing with America for liberty. That is not libertarious (looks smug).
Authority: (Smiling at George) And I want you to know, I've taken the liberty of informing your parents.
George W: (Furrows brow, purses lips)
Ashcroft: Prick.
(Authority leaves, all sit back and look depressed.)
Nerdy Presidential Aide: Now what are we going to do?
Vice President Dick Cheney: Toga! Toga!
George W: I think he has the right idea. I like ideas. I stand behind ideas. Not just any ideas, but ideas that are rooted in thinking. Where are my pants?
But oh no, there's a fine line between entertaining and "I don't think he's kidding anymore," and Bush has crossed it. Last Friday, the official governmental terrorism threat meter was raised from "yellow" to "orange."
Besides providing more blatant evidence that our government hates the color-blind, the meter has told us to go from "slightly paranoid" to "pretty paranoid." The next notch is red, or "stay in bed." Leave it to the baby boomers to set up an official governmental mood ring, freakin' hippies.
In a recent Chicago Tribune article, Ashcroft said, "This decision for an increased threat condition designation is based on specific intelligence received and analyzed by the full intelligence community."
He went on to say that targets might or might not be hotels, apartments and other lightly guarded targets and people should protect themselves by being more aware of their environments and looking out for suspicious activities.
In other words, "We have specific information that something may or may not blow up somewhere. You should probably notice when stuff blows up and protect yourself by being more aware of the explosions." The end of the Chicago Tribune article states, "Before the color-coded alert system, the FBI issued several alert warnings that critics said were vague and alarming."
I wonder if that was written with a straight face.
The color meter might be a bit better than simple, "Lock and load," but I've taken the liberty to make some improvements. Here's the new system, for your paranoia pleasure.
Cucumber: Don't worry, America! Enjoy reality TV without guilt and stay productive.
I Don't Like the Looks of This, Scooby: Live as you normally would but always carry a Phillips head and slot screwdriver — they come in handy at the darnedest times.
Utilize the bar's ATM: Always use the "buddy system" so there's someone to shake his fist at the air and yell, "IT WAS NOT YOUR TIME YET! Daaammnnnn you God!"
It's About Time to Drink Jack Daniels and Break Furniture: Replace any mellow music in your Walkman with stuff that's hard-rockin' enough to provide a kickin' soundtrack for the Apocalypse.
Sucks to be You: Run to the most depressing place on earth, Lincoln Square Mall. No informed terrorist would touch it since the mall hurts morale more when completely intact. Plus, it has mini golf.
Truthfully, I wouldn't worry too much about any terror-o-meter. Even though our government's basically telling us to avoid anything anywhere, this whole thing could just be a new plan hatched by major tobacco companies. Would you quit smoking if the country's mood ring went red? Hell no, nicotine addicts would rip the filters off.
Either way, this new media relations ploy will slowly dissipate and a new "should be in The Onion instead of Tribune" ruse will take its place. When the paranoia dies down and they retire next year's Magic Eightball of Terrorism, you can once again look toward the White House and expect Greek letters on the front door with members of Congress playing bottle rocket wiffle ball in the lawn.
Steve Kline is a junior in communications. His column appears Mondays. He can be reached at opinions@dailyillini.com.
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